The Aftermath

So much has happened since the loss of our baby. It took about 3 weeks but my hormone levels finally came down enough that the doctor was satisfied that everything had been expelled on its own and that I will not need surgery. For this, I am really grateful. The downside is that I had to sit in a waiting room for 20 to 30 minutes with my two and a half-year old son while numerous pregnant women waited for their ultrasounds in the same waiting area, and I had to do this three times. It might not seem like a big deal, but it was extremely upsetting for me to have to sit for that long for a blood draw that I hoped would show that my hormone levels were coming down while other women were eagerly awaiting their ultrasounds so they could see their babies.

The week after the miscarriage, I contacted someone at our church to see if our priest would be willing to do a blessing for us. The day Father was given the information, he called and left me a voicemail and also emailed me to check in with us. He gave me his cell phone number so that we could call him to set up a time to meet to see how he could help us. That weekend we met with him to talk about what happened and so he could do a blessing for us. He was very kind and compassionate. Over the following weeks, he made some phone calls and found out that a hospital in our city provides a common burial for babies that were lost in utero and that the lab would be willing to store the remains until that date in the spring. He set up a time to come by our home, pick up the remains, and transport them to the hospital himself. We were so grateful that we did not have to make those phone calls ourselves; it was one thing we did not have to worry about because he took care of all of it. Then, the following week he met with me, at my request, just so I could talk and process through some of what had happened. I had no idea we would be given so much support from him but I have been really grateful for that.

Unfortunately, even though my hormone levels have come down, the rapid decline of the hormones has left me feeling really depressed most days so I am dealing with that as well as grieving. I also have headaches several times a week and I am not feeling well in general. It is a lot to take in, both on a physical level and an emotional one, so it was nice to be able to sit down and talk with someone about all of it. There are not a lot of priests I would feel comfortable talking with about this, so I consider myself lucky to have a priest at our church who is so compassionate and willing to help in any way he can. He has truly been a blessing over the past month, and so have the friends who have checked in with me, sent cards or other tokens of remembrance, brought us a meal, or simply just prayed for us.

Unfortunately, the doctor’s office has given us zero support. In all the times that I had to call to get lab results, no one ever asked me how I was doing or if I needed anything. I feel like they have treated my miscarriage as if it had never happened. I also felt like they did not have time for me since I was no longer pregnant. I was given no information or resources and no idea as to what to expect with the miscarriage or how I might feel after a miscarriage. A friend sent me information about a support group that meets once a month, so I attended this meeting last week. The facilitators were very kind and I found the group helpful so I hope to go back when I can. I found out that this hospital (which is different from the hospital that is currently storing our baby’s remains) also buries the remains of miscarried babies and offers all kinds of support, but apparently if a woman has a natural miscarriage as opposed to a D&C, she isn’t given any of the information. Instead, they send her home with nothing and hope for the best, I guess. When I let the facilitators know I had not been given anything, they put together the packet I would have gotten had I been admitted to the hospital, and someone dropped it off in my mailbox. They are also in the process of contacting the office about sensitivity training and to inquire as to why I was not given the flyer with the information about the support group, as I was told the office definitely has this information. It is upsetting to me that it took a month for me to find this information, and it is even more upsetting that some women go home and don’t have the support or resources that I have had, because the office is not giving them the information needed in order for them to have this. I was so glad to hear that they are already working on fixing this issue. Unfortunately, I know that my doctor’s office is not the only office having the same issue.

6 comments

  1. Barbara Worn says:

    Oh Rachel, I am so so sad you lost your baby. I went through a similar experience and everyone acted like nothing had happened-like I should just pickup where I left off and go on. Even though this happened decades ago, I was never able to grieve my loss and I’m realizing how negatively this affected my life. God bless you for getting people to be sensitized to this. You are so amazing. Prayers for you and your family. Barb

    • Rachel says:

      Thank you for your prayers! It’s so sad to me that so many women feel like they’re supposed to just “suck it up” and move on. It’s such an awkward situation so a lot of times no one says anything. I’m lucky to have a few friends and family members who are still checking in. It has been over 7 weeks now, but I still am not back to normal.

  2. Holly says:

    Glad they’re getting some sensitivity training…they need it!
    Holly recently posted…It’s Ok November 17, 2015My Profile

    • Rachel says:

      Yes, they do! I haven’t heard much since then so I’m sure I’ll find out something the next time I make it to a meeting. I have my yearly appointment with him in a couple of weeks so I plan to mention it again.

  3. Adrian says:

    So sorry for your loss. I was a multiple miscarrier. I lost at least four, but fortunately, all very early. You really have to just allow yourself space to recover. Mine were years ago and I don’t remember having any support from anyone but my mother. Not a card or a flower or a book or anything. Happily, I was able to have a baby in the end. He’s almost 18 now and making me crazy! Hopefully your story will have a happy ending as well.

    • Rachel says:

      I’m sorry you had to do this that many times! I can’t even imagine. Even though mine was early, I still feel it as a loss, even though I feel like there are people on the “other side” of it who probably think it’s not a big deal. I think it’s sad that women are not supported as well as they should be in a situation like this.

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